My posts here are becoming more and more erratic because I'm changing some of my computer habits. My socializing habits are generally evolving a bit.
I spent Halloween weekend away at this girl's place. Yes I rarely spend nights over at anyone's place so this is supposed to be a big deal. And again we were able to spend that much consecutive time together alone...under the same housing for days. As I write this, I realize I never done that with ANYONE, including those I dated. It doesn't actually feel strange at all, but then we aren't an item either.
Then I countered it with time spent with the girl I had been gradually emotionally putting myself out there for and getting more invested in. And I met even more of her friends. And I still couldn't stop feeling her tug at my heart when we chatted at night or being impressed by the way she karaoked.
And I've managed to not write an online post about either of these things for over a week.
Nor did I write about how I suddenly feel like a burden on my relationship with my parents has been lifted.
Or that I had some insane impulses towards a girl who I've spent a lot of time working together with, far from being somewhere between friendship and coworker relationship, which is where it is supposed to be. And that at the end of the day she's too much of a prude for anything else happen since she's already in a relationship.
Or that I started feeling a crush towards a pianist. Or that I have spent alone time with random other girls and how I'm now weighing in whether or not I like being in their company on purely the merit of their company. Or the way I am starting to see that it wouldn't go anywhere. Or the way I continue having 67267 girls being fond of me in a group setting at the same time.
And how I've also spent time alone with some gay guys too...
Or that I'm starting to take on the role of a protector, provider, and storyteller.
It's funny that when people are tired of listening to my crap about people in general it only accelerated the complexity.
So much for lasting very long.
Oh so yeah update on the poly thing. The thing also took a 180 when the other couple started acting more serious about my "joke." Then she told me to sit closer to her even though the reason was legit I was like what? And everyone noticed how I blushed more than once. It was really bad...not to mention there's someone else I sort of lost my grasp on "behaving" properly around, just to confuse the issue some more.
Then at night someone I haven't talked to for a month suddenly just reached out to me again. Then when I woke up this morning I had a sexual dream, and it's got that...girl who symbolizes my most conventional monogamous tendency, written all over it.
So of course I woke up really frazzled...because it was reminding me of that longing. Which is crazy since I felt pretty clear that I was just in love with life, and that was why I could practically get tangled with everyone and not all at the same time...but this is totally screwing it all up.
Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate having a single point of comfort to go to...to have somewhat reliably, but I rather not have my own moods jerking me around like this.
I just read the past two months worth of LJ entries, and I seem to repeat what I feel more often than I suspect. So while I just had a rush AGAIN over how q-wave might be interested in having a meeting on the subject of poly, I think it's come up quite often. The only difference is this time I had a little bit of a joke about it with the person who mentioned it recently AND I even had a little less humorous encounter with someone else. I even declared that I missed them both, unbashfully. And it seems like I'm about to be outed as someone who wants free love...
I mean those who are paying really close attention might've detected something strange as is, but it's going to become more and more obvious, and uncensored.
The truth is I have a lot of inhibition, and I actually had to resist when "she" put her hand in my view or was making it hard to ignore her hand... And I helped her put on her coat. And I helped pluck thistle off her gf's sweater. And they bought me breakfast. And they met up with me after I got mugged. I tried to smooth things out when they were arguing about rice.
And then there is that threesome dynamic with two girls who have presentations that are very confusing. I come to enjoy having an outspoken one and two quiet calming factors.
So I got multiple unofficial triangles going on, while I am in some way in love with the world...but I am definitely getting comfortable... which really is all that matters.
I've literally played with matches lately, but figuratively, I have dared to get closer and closer to trouble. I want to see if I can slip up and actually hurt myself, given that I've hurt from rejection of weird forms and came out okay. And yeah, I always make interesting choices.
Of course, I can't be at fault for the fact that I hang out with a couple that lives near me and often explicitly pull me into their space. And after a while, can I really be blamed if something happens if you keep dangling the carrot in front of me? What can at most happen is that when I finally succumb to temptation AND it's not actually intended for me to have, I will just dust myself off and walk away without a peep.
Given how many times I've also attempted to kill the powerful attractions I feel towards certain people and failed to hold the disinterest, I do wonder if I can help any of it at all. So why not just let it do it's magic?
Have I made it clear that I don't want to focus on the romantic aspects of relationships anymore? I want partnership of course, but before I HAD to figure out whether or not we thought of each other in romantic capacity. Since I no longer feel there needs to be line drawn, it doesn't matter anymore. However, this approach is different from my behavior for the last 3 years, and so far it's been a bit intimidating. I've learned to be reasonably naturally charming, which attracts plenty of suitors for friends and lovers, but then I HAVE to use my own judgment and feelings to determine who REALLY is suited for me. There's no escaping this responsibility anymore. And it's also a discovery...to really discover what it is that I like and don't like, and what concessions I make and why, as snobby as I might come to realize I am.
One pretty large concession I make is youth. I admit I have pedophile tendencies, but I just like freshness, and when someone isn't knowledgeable you forgive them, unless they just refused to be educated, in which case I'll have even more disdain for them. Oh, in that vein I like geeks because they love to gather knowledge and share it. Compassion and willingness to try offset my reservations as well, especially when it comes to physical attractiveness.
Anyhow, clearly people are not friends over just one or two reasons. And when my life get tough I get the desire to run away...not to not do anything, but to do something else completely different. Sometimes it includes my desire to purge people from my life. At this point in time, to distance myself would be a perfectly logical choice because of the number of things I have to do and the number of people involved in my life. I don't even have to be terribly deliberate if I didn't feel comfortable with where things are going with a particular relationship, to excuse myself. It's ironic that someone I didn't particularly think too much of actually invited me to her wedding, and then afterwards explained why she did it, including a reason why despite spending much time together finding me to be a closer friend to her. Her conclusion was personality, but I wonder if it's just part luck that she's in the tri-state area to even spend any time together combined with my charm. And it kills me to think about it that way. For me, it's history...that weird sense of loyalty, and maybe I do find her a bit cute.
History and loyalty, the ability to share without any judgment are the reasons why the older friendships of mine last. And it still requires some degree of maintenance, the occasional greeting, otherwise is it really a friendship? The way my mom manages her best friends, it seems like the occasional greeting can be as sparse as years. It boggles my mind.
And most of my newer friendships, I sometimes wonder if I can make them true friendships, where I'm not afraid of judgment...or if I even want to do that with all of them, or who specifically I want to. I just feel like I could use a new true friendship with someone who lives close enough that I can get it in person, because sometimes I wonder if it's not THAT true if they don't see me in person, and I can hide behind the text that I type to interact with them over the Internet.
At the end of the day, I might have to conclude that I have several layers of intimacy fears. And ironically when I do find someone that gets past those fears with me, I latch onto them in an unhealthy manner. And I'm struggling hard to not let those bad habits slip. I think part of my way of overcoming these problems are to let anyone even remotely interested to approach me as close as possible. Unfortunately, this makes me rave about all these girls because then I tell stories of suggestiveness and naturally tint it sexually, since it helps rationalize the uneasiness, and sadly had driven a lot of people frustrated at hearing my stories. And now I don't need these devices anymore. If any of these friendships cross a line, I will let them, and maybe without even mentioning them to anyone...and a little part of me does hope that a byproduct of having a romance emerges.
I am...not sure I like the fact that I know how people regard me. It limits the kind of things I can do. For example, if I know that someone isn't interested romantically, it puts a damper on the attempts to solicit sex. And when I can tell that someone I am not interested in is interested, it puts a damper on my willingness to solicit them for anything else. If there's suspicion of interest then every step is done with caution. And oy, is that tiring.
Anyway...life goes on. Chores need to be done.
Lots of shit happened. I don't really...care to blog it, but I need to regroup a little.
First, Z is now an aunt/uncle/what-have-you. This got me totally thinking about being a parent, including situations that might force me to act like one.
Second, my past continued to be present for a little. And I had encountered a bunch of celebrities as a side effect. And I went to the mermaid parade.
Then I recoiled into myself, spending more time alone and trying to fix up my place.
Then I made a new friend...one I really enjoy communicating with who I also find extremely physically attractive. And I've been talking to her in various ways quite a bit. Finally I got tired of dancing around it and just asked her for coffee or dinner, which resulted in her straight out clarification that she wants to have coffee but agreeing to coffee doesn't mean she's interested. But then her behavior started reminding me of what some of my exes and J have done when they were interested, making it rather hard to believe she isn't. Not to mention, it was a lot of information freely shared about our lifestyles within that short amount of time we spent one-on-one, where she already had welcomed me to go over to her parents and she left trust in my hand.
At the same exact time, I realized I can not stop talking to another friend of mine online, and then we started flirting and there WAS that time I was dancing with her and just couldn't deny how adorkable she was. And my behavior has gotten more and more erratic ever since. This includes my admission that I felt attracted. And my complete brushing off of the fact that she felt some of the q-wave members were looking at us oddly... I am only going to give 2 examples.
I have blatant disregard for potential trouble all of this is causing. Besides I think there is some good coming from it.
Yes, I forgot to mention all the other girls I had chased before this, but that's because I also started feeling down about them. It stopped feeling like it was going anywhere, and I was upset earlier. And A touched base with me because it's been a while since she's seen me. And I got closer to some other people...yeah, you really don't want me to start explaining.
I don't know how I should say this so that it clears reasons up in my mind, but I shall try.
Let's start with last week. Last weekend, I saw some friends I knew since high school because one of them had swung by shortly to stay in NYC. This reunion of sorts spurred one of them to attempt to round us up again this weekend to go over to her house to do a sort of HD movie marathon. While I wanted to see some of the people that were invited, my sister wanted to celebrate her birthday...which given that I wasn't going to buy her anything I should at least keep her company. Both Saturday and Sunday were both up in the air...I might've spent time in any permutation of company--some combo of high school friends on either day, my sister, her people, and our family to some capacity. R could've also joined at either point. Obligations won over though so I spent a lot of time around my sister and spent some time at Queens Pride, which means I saw people I have never mentioned before in this LJ...no, no one from q-wave, but it does mean that I end up being THE representation, which I wasn't prepared for last year but took on this year.
The two days before, I had more of a throwback to college. Thursday night, I met up with a guy from college for dinner. Friday night, not only did I get together for dinner with two friends that was from my "college clique" but the first thing we did was call up another one from that "clique" and was receiving news of a marriage proposal.
I might not have described these things as signs of change and of more to come, but they are. I skipped out on capoeira, which means I skipped out on cooperating with q-wave and A. Being at the Queens Pride wasn't really cooperating with q-wave, as so much as get nagged by others about what we aren't doing, like Queens Pride or networking with more people who do work in social justice etc. Also the guy from college informed me that our offices are really close, so we will probably hang out a lot more which also means that I could very easily drop other people as buddies off my list. And all these talks about weddings and having these monthly get-togethers with those college friends means more time with them as well. And yes that is why I say my past is present now. It's dominated by that...not to mention that I started Sunday off by being really low on energy and cheeriness, which I fought up against by sorting my apartment a little bit...and the randomness of my sequence of actions were not unlike that that I had back in California.
without at least mentioning it.
Let me put it this way...
I actually saw someone I only once saw about nine months ago. Said person also supposedly didn't like living here and wanted to go back to family, miles and miles away. And then she contacted me and told me something that made me figure that she'd be way too busy for us to spend time together. Except she was going to visit so I for once just went along with a comment of a long shot that I'll be available if she changes her mind. Well...let's just say...that's exactly why I saw her. And it's unbelievable because I was completely in the dark, I didn't even know when she was even going to visit, she just called and we met up.
I've come to the conclusion that "thinking too much" is just something I can't change. I did it for over two decades and I'm probably programmed like that just too deeply. The way to un-program me from doing that is to keep me busy with something that disrupts my chances to slip there and doesn't let me throw a fit from being deprived of it. Maybe a baby would do.
I signed up to escort someone home from the hospital. He trusts me. I don't know why...he even said I ought to have a key to his apartment. And I feel obligated to return some form of similar affection.
I feel like I'm training people to depend on me, which means I am confident enough to even trust myself with that task, but I should push back a little bit. I used to be very good at pushing back. If I don't push back I might be taking on too much.
This is perhaps why A thinks I've matured some more...
Yet in some way this has always been what I've been doing. Making neglected ends meet...