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Thunder of Life Waves
Furious sounds of all things passing by
None of it means anything? 
14th-Jan-2011 06:04 am
Yesterday, I went through a thing where I started really re-evaluating the way I thought of myself. There's very little doubt that there are some serious low points in my confidence. I started boosting it the night before. The next day I carried myself in a manner that I respected others a lot and they were respectful of me as well. It was partly coincidence that I was in a position to voice some knowledge. To some degree it still makes me feel good about myself, but it's not a ridiculous high that I tended to get. All was well up until "the one" texted me to say that she was in the city and wanted to grab lunch at my office. She also stated that it might be in 2 hours. At that point I wanted to see her more than anything else, so while 2 hours means she's cutting our lunch window really small, I didn't voice that concern at all. She spontaneously showed up earlier. And it was great to catch up, but it was probably the largest test of all on the confidence. At the end I was a little scathed anyway, but since I asked her for a hug and didn't get one, I got the message crystal clear. At that moment, there is no longer anything but friendship. Sure, maybe I could've prevented this from turning out like this, but hypotheticals do not change reality. Somewhere around talking to a friend of mine about her way too much, I made my peace. Also while we hung out I felt rather acutely that even as the opportunity for this to follow a standard sane path into romance had been mutilated, there's a solid reason why we connected at all...since I get along with her friends, we'd choose similar foods, we like karaoke for singing sakes, and it takes no effort at all to have conversations that range widely in topic from observations of the environment to books to random pieces of knowledge. It's no wonder I want to do everything with her, because it's just so easy to do things with her...with the least amount of feeling that I am compromising. But if my attitude towards her is gone, then no matter how much voodoo still happens when she gives me the sense we are going to be friends for a long time, or we talk about living arrangements, or we talk about our siblings, none of it matters.

Before bed, I did feel a little tragic...mostly because something so consistent emotionally is now over, and I'm possibly going to be ping-ponging all over the place again. Time will tell. Meanwhile I continued to be put to the test when someone actually asked me advice about her interest in another friend of mine. This did two things: 1) shown she's moved on from being interested in me, if ever. 2) test me to be a bigger person to not get jealous that things were going better for other people. I was also tested as I had to deal with smelly poop from my pet turtle twice and was asked to help out with website stuff AND the troublemaker came along and asked me what I was doing this weekend.

I feel like this may have demeaned everything but I also feel like this is the right attitude...like I am getting with the program because the world will turn without me.
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