Things from this weekend have gotten far enough to make me uncomfortable. My subconscious desperately DESPERATELY needs a constant stream of physical intimacy--and by that, I mean every kind of physical proximity thing including invasion of personal space. So naturally, since I'm close to A and we've held hands before (in a circle of hand holding mind you), when she glanced at me and checked up on me in the car since I was "overly quiet" and then when she left touched my arm I touched her hand. I think it's good that I learn how to shower affection towards people I care about without too much thought, but I think we are violating boundaries and I am most uncomfortable about not knowing how her girlfriend (or wife) feels about what I'm doing.
And I suggested to two different couples to come over to my apartment. Those two situations are much better because at least everyone is given the opportunity to be aware of what is going on. In both couples' situation, one of the partners and I fairly freely exchange physical affection while the other one I connect more on an intellectual level. The only thing I feel guilty about is that I'm not forthcoming about how I really feel about my romantic life or where it is. I don't think anyone is REALLY interested in dating me in a three-way situation but I can't joke about it anymore either, and I don't want to talk about my failings of my pursuit of the one I STILL can't shake from my mind as "the one" so I mention how I go on friend dates with people and how I don't care to make it clear if it's just hanging out or a date. It's not dishonest. Sometimes I'm just thinking about business and building relationships with the community and suddenly find myself feeling like I'm dating someone. Sometimes I'm thinking that something is date-ish and suddenly it doesn't feel like one. Most of the time I start thinking of people like they are projects. Either way, if I mention "prospects" it gives everyone a sense of ease, as false as it may actually be. It's also better than when I say I give up and I'll be single the rest of my life, because people start asking me "why?!"
I was also very very horny...that it actually pushed my urges to the point that I was very close to planning who I could hang out with last night, have something happen and not regret it. I pulled up blank mostly...while there was enough at work going on to inhibit me from executing.
Oh, and among this madness, there are one or two people who are aggressively trying to strengthening our relationship (read: friendship) by reaching out to me, and I've been manipulating in a way so I don't just let them lead me into it by offering but not following through.
Hopefully I'm going to have a quiet week or two, unless it pushes me over the edge with "the one." Heh.