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Thunder of Life Waves
Furious sounds of all things passing by
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4th-Sep-2011 11:17 am(no subject)
I have a lot of trouble articulating just what it is that I'm "working on." At least I have the strength to say that I am working on something, if anyone thought I was just slacking off...

Let's try figuring this out:

- I've been frustrated with my parents, mostly because we seemed to have communication problems. I've been trying to improve my communication skills. This is why I need to be around people, to get this right.

- I've been seeking love, but I do not believe that sex is necessary for me to find it. I believe in it's power...and I've been reading up on how to find love. And again, this requires me to be around people...sometimes it's as simple as just sitting around and chatting.

- I've been subconsciously desiring power. Perhaps it's why I get entangled with the people that I have...and the leadership type people are the ones that get the most attached to me...and express that attachment.

Then there was the fact that I hardly felt guilty as I let someone who can inspire me stay in my office for 4 hours, taking a very extended lunch break, even though my team was counting on me to get to bottom of something. It was only slightly because of romance... I think I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do, the bigger picture of my life, as opposed to the annoying little details. Maybe there are more...but I am now drawing blanks.
...but things are moving internally just way too fast. I don't really know why...but I also have no interest in trying to slow it down.

I think I'm turning "evil"...

and I'm not sure I know how to stop that either...

I saw some of the bio on Liz Taylor and it makes me want to embrace life for all the good AND bad. She's a Pisces too and boy did she have many love affairs and raise so many children. I should learn how to have that much love for people...even if I end up being terribly misunderstood by the masses.
23rd-Mar-2011 02:54 pm - Legacy
I don't know if I prefer to be around people or not. I had some weeks where almost every day I had to do something for the community. I had some weeks where I wanted down time and yet that idea got completely wiped out...as the week carried on. There are weeks when I emerge from a previous week that was overbooked and didn't want the sudden stillness. And then there are times when people just stir up unnecessary drama or that interacting with people stir up too much concern. And there are times when it feels like so much fun I want to do more.

Given my new mission to act like I have a strong sense of right and wrong and driven to straighten the injustices in life, I actually find being around people more tiring lately. Such is life...

I wonder what kind of legacy I'm leaving when people realize the things I've done. And the way I may or may not have touched other people's lives...
7th-Mar-2011 06:19 am - Seatbelt sign on
firefox vs ie
Yes, things have been quite turbulent. Everything from organizing the community, my relationship with the leadership within my community, the events that impact the community, to stirring up emotions about people and maybe also reckless behavior. It's been so heavy-handed I haven't had much time to fret about whether or not I'm delusional about the relationship I have with a few people...and really, isn't that the only thing I ever feel like writing at lengths about?

I think it's actually worthy of mentioning that what I'm not sure about is not that whether or not there are some deep feelings stirring about now, but whether or not I will suffer the way some guys do where they THINK they are dating someone but that is not consensual when it comes to it as a truth. Actually, to choose the word think is probably wrong. It's more of a feeling...because it's not that I decide that I want to date someone that I make things happen, but rather that I want to spend time with friends in intimate ways that then make me think we are...or sometimes that urge to be intimate is so strong that it needs to be, or else kept in check. Anyway, I just don't know what truth I should seek for related to consent...or properly figure out what the next steps that result from it are.

On a completely concrete note, I should also state that it's my birthday. And I brought together a whole slew of people together. That makes me happy. It also makes me happy that I am slowly building a network of support where I can go to get opinions on things to maybe re-affirm myself when I am not sure.
13th-Feb-2011 11:57 am - Keen on attraction
So while I hung out with a big group of people, I can feel who was attracted to me...and yeah it's still several girls. Or rather, what tends to happen, a leader of a group of girls is fond of me and this makes a sudden surge of girls who momentarily take an interest in me. I wonder if all these years of being technically single has taught me when to trust these signals, except when I am very invested in the person myself.

Which brings me to the subject of the last 1000 posts. I know I'm not weird for being guarded and not quick to trust people, but I do think that when I am this guarded, that it is hard not for me to read into it or feel weird when I get closer and closer to people. If I like this person, it's the fastest way for me to feel really really confused.
14th-Jan-2011 06:04 am - None of it means anything?
Yesterday, I went through a thing where I started really re-evaluating the way I thought of myself. There's very little doubt that there are some serious low points in my confidence. I started boosting it the night before. The next day I carried myself in a manner that I respected others a lot and they were respectful of me as well. It was partly coincidence that I was in a position to voice some knowledge. To some degree it still makes me feel good about myself, but it's not a ridiculous high that I tended to get. All was well up until "the one" texted me to say that she was in the city and wanted to grab lunch at my office. She also stated that it might be in 2 hours. At that point I wanted to see her more than anything else, so while 2 hours means she's cutting our lunch window really small, I didn't voice that concern at all. She spontaneously showed up earlier. And it was great to catch up, but it was probably the largest test of all on the confidence. At the end I was a little scathed anyway, but since I asked her for a hug and didn't get one, I got the message crystal clear. At that moment, there is no longer anything but friendship. Sure, maybe I could've prevented this from turning out like this, but hypotheticals do not change reality. Somewhere around talking to a friend of mine about her way too much, I made my peace. Also while we hung out I felt rather acutely that even as the opportunity for this to follow a standard sane path into romance had been mutilated, there's a solid reason why we connected at all...since I get along with her friends, we'd choose similar foods, we like karaoke for singing sakes, and it takes no effort at all to have conversations that range widely in topic from observations of the environment to books to random pieces of knowledge. It's no wonder I want to do everything with her, because it's just so easy to do things with her...with the least amount of feeling that I am compromising. But if my attitude towards her is gone, then no matter how much voodoo still happens when she gives me the sense we are going to be friends for a long time, or we talk about living arrangements, or we talk about our siblings, none of it matters.

Before bed, I did feel a little tragic...mostly because something so consistent emotionally is now over, and I'm possibly going to be ping-ponging all over the place again. Time will tell. Meanwhile I continued to be put to the test when someone actually asked me advice about her interest in another friend of mine. This did two things: 1) shown she's moved on from being interested in me, if ever. 2) test me to be a bigger person to not get jealous that things were going better for other people. I was also tested as I had to deal with smelly poop from my pet turtle twice and was asked to help out with website stuff AND the troublemaker came along and asked me what I was doing this weekend.

I feel like this may have demeaned everything but I also feel like this is the right attitude...like I am getting with the program because the world will turn without me.
11th-Jan-2011 12:12 pm - The results are in!
Things from this weekend have gotten far enough to make me uncomfortable. My subconscious desperately DESPERATELY needs a constant stream of physical intimacy--and by that, I mean every kind of physical proximity thing including invasion of personal space. So naturally, since I'm close to A and we've held hands before (in a circle of hand holding mind you), when she glanced at me and checked up on me in the car since I was "overly quiet" and then when she left touched my arm I touched her hand. I think it's good that I learn how to shower affection towards people I care about without too much thought, but I think we are violating boundaries and I am most uncomfortable about not knowing how her girlfriend (or wife) feels about what I'm doing.

And I suggested to two different couples to come over to my apartment. Those two situations are much better because at least everyone is given the opportunity to be aware of what is going on. In both couples' situation, one of the partners and I fairly freely exchange physical affection while the other one I connect more on an intellectual level. The only thing I feel guilty about is that I'm not forthcoming about how I really feel about my romantic life or where it is. I don't think anyone is REALLY interested in dating me in a three-way situation but I can't joke about it anymore either, and I don't want to talk about my failings of my pursuit of the one I STILL can't shake from my mind as "the one" so I mention how I go on friend dates with people and how I don't care to make it clear if it's just hanging out or a date. It's not dishonest. Sometimes I'm just thinking about business and building relationships with the community and suddenly find myself feeling like I'm dating someone. Sometimes I'm thinking that something is date-ish and suddenly it doesn't feel like one. Most of the time I start thinking of people like they are projects. Either way, if I mention "prospects" it gives everyone a sense of ease, as false as it may actually be. It's also better than when I say I give up and I'll be single the rest of my life, because people start asking me "why?!"

I was also very very horny...that it actually pushed my urges to the point that I was very close to planning who I could hang out with last night, have something happen and not regret it. I pulled up blank mostly...while there was enough at work going on to inhibit me from executing.

Oh, and among this madness, there are one or two people who are aggressively trying to strengthening our relationship (read: friendship) by reaching out to me, and I've been manipulating in a way so I don't just let them lead me into it by offering but not following through.

Hopefully I'm going to have a quiet week or two, unless it pushes me over the edge with "the one." Heh.
It really has.

Fate would have it that I accidentally called someone on the phone. This someone is someone that as I get to know I find things that I don't quite enjoy. And now this someone expressed interest in meeting up again--a week later after we first met up after a long time. This'll give me something I wanted to be able to do with anyone realistically in what feels like an eternity.

I wonder if a part of me is intentionally going to a surprise birthday party for someone who isn't really considered a friend of mine because the company I'd get to keep are people who have a special place in my heart, both as people who I work with and as people tie me down emotionally. And what I don't see is potential of something good to come of it but I do see a lot of the emotional stirrings I now cause. A part of me is fascinated. Fascinated that something so sure has managed to be shattered when I made the situation emotionally delicate... and I want to investigate, like a cat climbing all over it, ignoring the mess I potentially will cause.

I'm back to playing games...and there's no exception, and only incited by the fact that I'm suddenly solicited to spend time with all these assorted people, but I do not swell in pride for the popularity. My popularity is built from the past when I didn't waste any time and I was unfake with all the people I surrounded myself with. And I can't undo any of it.
18th-Dec-2010 12:58 pm - Life is just so much
firefox vs ie
I conked out last night, lights weren't off, I didn't finish my tea...

This week I had to get my shit together to arrange a team outing for work, and it didn't quite work out as intended. The only thing I got down for sure is my decision. Just as I am pretty sure who I want to try being with. Just a decision.

But then I go through these notions of understanding what the decision I made actually means...

And then I've got other things like glee club rehearsals that keep me busy, just enough to overlook the fact that the club includes at least one person whom I think might be interested in me. Someone said that probably half of the people in my life have at least briefly entertained the thought of sleeping with me. I guess it's a good thing to keep busy so I don't have to feel the whole weight of that...(to try and not enjoy the attention too much and also not worry about hooking them on.)

Also I have to figure out who to ask about going on a cruise with...because at this rate I might pull off some bad stuff again.
27th-Nov-2010 11:59 am - Joking about being the same...
So yesterday night I crashed my own 10-year high school reunion and what I realized is I saw how much geekiness was still in these people. That yeah, it's not because they aren't nice people, it's just that they grew up from NYC so there's no polite warmth which isn't helped by a sense of dork factor. I felt out of place not because I didn't know anyone, but because I just thought I was different. Ironically I joked that I've been the same.

I met two people I don't remember at all, whom my gaydar zoomed in on. No words were said and we just KNEW from the way we looked at each other. It was the first time I did something like that.

So yeah, I just assumed people were different and I just conversed about it like it was all well and fine and that everything was no big deal how much we change. And I didn't even have to brag about my work or how I changed. Even if people didn't say anything to acknowledge whether or not I looked familiar to them, and I couldn't get myself to say something to them, it didn't matter. Or there was a moment when several people wanted to greet me at the same time happened briefly at the reunion as well.

My night ended with me getting a lift from a hs friend's dad, almost like things really haven't changed.
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